I don’t really have a criminal past to speak of, not one that I would be proud of at least. What I do have in my repertoire of adventures and misadventures are accusations of ridiculous crimes that I have not committed-
I have noticed that usually these false and ludicrous charges come from old people, old Greek people. This is the story of the most preposterous of allegations I have ever had to deal with and it involves Olympia Dukakis, an old Greek restaurateur named Gus and a first and what would be the last date with a heavy metal guy that I met during a Motorhead concert.
So I had decided to take this guy to a Greek restaurant in the West Village for our first date. As I walked in, Gus, the owner of the restaurant looked at me just like a hawk gazes upon it's prey right before he's ready to demolish it:
Gus: Ah…Welcome, welcome…I remember youuuuuu…You are the one that came with that group of girls last time…Am I right?
Norma: ........
Gus: Can you come with me a moment? I want to show you something in the ladies bathroom
Norma: You want me to come with you to the ladies bathroom?
Gus: Yes, it will only take a moment, don’t be afraid-Come, Come
Norma: ..Alright
(In the ladies bathroom with old guy)
Gus: You see this wall?
Norma: Yes
Gus: Tell me, what do you see?
Norma: I see a wall with pictures of old Greek actresses on it
Gus: And what is missing from this wall?
Norma: Hmmm
Gus: Ok, Ok. I will tell you what is missing from this wall! The picture of OLYMPIA DUKAKIS is missing from this wall! Did you take it?
Norma:....
Gus: Don’t be ashamed to admit it! Did you take the picture of Olympia Dukakis?!
Norma:........
Gus: Don’t get angry! It was a good picture of her. I could understand if you wanted to steal it!
Norma: Steal the picture of Olympia Dukakis? Why exactly would I steal a picture of Olympia Dukakis?
Gus: I don’t know...I don’t know.... Maybe you wanted to hang it in your bathroom wall
Norma:......................................
