It's been three days now that my brain has been vacationing at work. As far as I'm concerened my brain is now wearing a gigantic sun hat and sunglasses and sipping a beer somewhere in an undiscovered island in the tropics-yes my brain is in a Corona commercial. All I can hear is my bizzare thoughts and the Hound talking to me through IM at various points throughout the day. But today when the Hound signed on, I sent him two short stories I had written and they depressed him, to such an extent, that he felt the need to point it out over and over again-something that made me feel that I needed a new challenge for a story, a challenge that came straight from the Hound. So he informed me that during work I would have to write a story that would include the following 5 words.
Cervix,
orange,
squirt,
crash and
sleep.Also it had to involve something sexual and have a happy ending. This was the result:
The Gigantic Orange Lou Anne Boozy had the most bizarre dreams of all her family members. Now this would be alright for Lou Anne’s father and mother, brothers and sisters and cousins and aunt and uncle-all of which lived in the same house- if she wasn’t in the habit of talking and walking in her sleep as well, something that could be a very disturbing experience, especially if you were just a visitor at their home. So it happened one night that the priest of their small town had to stay overnight at their home. You see, under normal circumstances the priest would stay in the small room on the upper level of the church, but during an incredible thunderstorm in the middle of a winter night, a lighting bolt had struck the church and all the power went out, along with the power of the only small heater in the priest’s room. Father McFaline was a tough man under any other circumstances, but his one weak spot was the cold. He had very poor circulation and his toes froze to such an extent that the doctor warned that they could fall off on a very cold night. So as Father McFaline lit the one candle that was by his bedside, he placed it between his two feet on the cold hardwood floor and sat for a couple of minutes contemplating of what he would do now that there was no heat and his toes could fall off. As he stared at the space between his toes for some time, he came up with the solution to go to the Boozy’s home that was just a couple hundred feet away from the church. This was a matter of his toes well being, and the fact that he would possibly jeopardize his exceptional reputation was something that he was willing to risk. You see Father McFaline had a secret as well, as a matter of fact the whole town was full of secrets, but today we can only speak of two of the towns people’s secrets. At night he would often dream that as he was ready to give his sermon, he would look down in the audience and all that would be there was a gigantic orange , sitting comfortable, with its arms folded one into the other and tapping its one foot at a steady beat, waiting to hear the Fathers sermon. But in his dreams the priest would become so nervous in front of the orange that he would fail to give his sermon, something that would make the orange so angry that it would jump out of its chair and start rolling towards Father McFalines direction. This repetitive dream would often result in the priest sleep walking or sleep running for lack of a better word. Still in his sleep, he would jump out of his bed , running and screaming like a lunatic in the middle of the night, in the middle of an empty church. Sometimes the town’s policeman would be heading home after his late shift and he would see the priest running inside the church, with his arms raised high up in the air, sometimes crashing into various walls. He would not think anything of it though, he was an old and tired policeman that cared more about the whiskey that was waiting for him back in his house, than a lunatic priest running around a church in the middle of the night. With all that, the priest got up and put on some warm clothes and headed towards the Boozy’s home praying along the way that the orange he would dream of almost every night wouldn’t visit him during his stay there.
As he knocked on their door in the middle of the night, the Boozys welcomed the soaking wet priest into their house. Whispering some small talk amongst each other they took him up the stairs and showed him to the small empty room right next to Lou Anne’s room. The priest got out of his clothes and went straight under the covers, and thanked God for his toes staying put, and for the warmth and hospitality that existed in this house. He had a feeling that he would not dream of any oranges chasing him that night, and so slipped quickly into a deep and comfortable sleep.
That night Lou Anne was having one of her vivid dreams, and sleepwalking she got up from her bed and went straight to the room and the bed the priest was sleeping in, got into it, and while she was humming she gently played around with the priest’s testicles. The priest though was having a dream of his own, and never woke up despite the humming and having his testicles played around with. He dreamt of the orange again, but this time as he was looking towards the audience, he saw a beautiful woman sitting behind the gigantic orange. Annoyed at the impatience of the orange, the priest saw the woman get up and wrap her hands around this orange and the orange became smaller and smaller and smaller till it became but the size of a small ball that she could hold in the palm of her right hand. He saw the woman smile at the priest and all his nervousness disappeared, and while he was delivering his sermon the woman opened her two legs and slowly pushed the orange inside her till it reached deep inside the cervix, and all that was left of the terrible gigantic orange was a little squirt that came out of the hole that was between the beautiful woman’s legs.
So the next morning one could say that Father McFaline woke up a different man. He did not know that Lou Anne had been in his bed that night and probably would not care if one went by the way he felt that morning. Smiling he went down to the kitchen where the entire Boozy family was eating breakfast and he announced that not only was he leaving the priesthood behind, but he also bent down on one knee, and as Lou Anne was biting into a juicy orange he asked her hand in marriage.
