About Me-The Introduction

After five years of absence and due to an infinitesimal mistake on my part that cost me my apartment, which I later found out to be tantamount to losing my self-rule, autonomy , independence, piece of mind, laziness, major responsibilities, my one and only favorite bad habit which was smoking, and basically everything that differentiated the 28 year old adult version of me from the 15 year old adolescent one, I have once again moved back into my Greek aunt’s and Irish uncle’s house in Staten Island. To be frank I am like those rare prisoners that after planning a great escape for more than three years and than actually accomplishing it, they are caught trying to break in back into prison after they feel that life has given them a nice slap or two across the face.

So I am here living with both of them now and have re-acquired the habit of praying each morning to whichever God is available at that moment for me not lose complete possession of my wits. The combination of the three of us is what the Holy Trinity would be if Ed Wood had conceived of it first and made it into a movie. I suppose this will not be a permanent situation and if I want to be completely honest returning to my aunts and uncles home (even if its temporary) is as close as I can get to crawling back into my mothers belly where I once must have felt entirely guarded from the interestingly vicious jokes God had in store for me.

My Aunt

She goes by the nicknames Napoleon or The Wolf depending on the situation. She is five feet tall and she has super powers that have humbled me more than once. She has the ability to nag me to death but she can also save me from any unpleasant situations that come up ( most of which I am responsible for creating). She inspires fear and respect to all my friends even though they are double her size in width and length. She allows me at times to argue with her but will make sure to have the last word even if that word will suddenly appear 6 months later. I love her and I know this because after we fight I usually call to tell her that, and than I proceed to recite to her a well practiced philosophical monologue on how many different ways she’s wrong to which she’ll listen to and pretend that I’m right. As of late she feels the need to share with me stories that she has either read in the newspaper or seen on the news and they usually entail a gruesome murder or suicide or if I’m lucky sometimes the combination of the two. This happens usually right before I go to bed or in the morning while I’m drinking my coffee and waking up to a new and magnificent day in Staten Island.

My Uncle

He has every heart and lung illness known to man, he is entirely bed ridden and he is also Irish. Which means that even if the doctors told him he had a year to live a decade ago he is absolutely resolute to prove that they are full of B.S. I look up to my uncle ever since the day he told me “Norma, quit whining and get over it”. I didn’t know at that time to what specifically he was referring to so I figured I would apply it to everything in my life. Every now and than when a bad situation comes my way and by combining wit and swiftness I handle it on my own, well its because of him that I can do it. He now switches between thanking me for bringing him his coffee or his bacon cheese sandwiches and letting me know that I need to get my behind out of the house again because frankly I’m too old to revert back to my teenage lifestyle again.


My Best Mate

He goes by the nickname Eman. I often tell him that I don’t remember once having to be there for him except for minor problems such as how to fry eggs or clean a potato in which case he gives his usual reply “Norma you have enough problems to cover the both of us”. He was the first to tell me about pornhub and redtube, he has let me cry on him continuously for more than an hour, wipe my snot on him and if I ever comment on a woman’s legs, breasts or behind its because of the unusually long hours we have spent together. I can receive from him either very wise advice or a report of how many successful runs he had to his bathroom on a given day and all this information will come as unexpectedly as a hail storm in the middle of Sahara. We progressed from simply hanging out with each other to being roommates and than to being neighbors when we both decided that my clutter and I should move to the upstairs apartment that was available in our building at one time. He has been witnessing me switch from brilliant to idiotic and vica versa for the past eight years and knows by now that he will never witness anything that exists between those two extremes.

Second Best Mate

I'll call him Leg Hound. He is the mate that will call me in the afternoon at work while my brain is getting gang raped to tell me he just woke up. When he starts laughing it might seem to a mere beginner that he is hyperventilating -no- in fact he is just laughing. My best memory with Leg Hound is when he invited me to Carnegie Hall and we ended up with our faces being as close to their floor as possible with tears in our eyes-no we were not crying-yes we were laughing- and yes we did almost get kicked out. As of late we discuss our sexless lives than give each other advice that leads us to having an even more sexless life.

Me-aka Norma V.
By the age of 21 I had lived in three different countries, six cities and had gone to about seven to eight different schools and changed about a dozen apartments. I don’t know why but it was great-at least it feels like it now-well if you disregard the small side effect of me having absolutely no direction in life and my chronic inability to finish or accomplish anything I feel worthy of finishing or accomplishing. I have cultivated though an incredible ability to daydream for hours and sometimes I have had daydreams that continued on to the following day as well. I have actually daydreamed my way through entire lifetimes and various incredible accomplishments which has lead me to the conclusion that this is probably why I haven’t really succeeded in doing anything worthy with my career or personal life. I am the type of person that will barely understand and pass any math class till their last year of college and than will land an accounting job in Wall Street after graduation-well actually I am that person. Among my other accomplishments is writing an unpublished pilot episode for a porn soap opera, creating several flash fiction stories that involve some king of peculiar death, watching 13 straight hours of television on more than one occasion,being able to watch a Jewish rock love musical in Yiddish without gauging my own eyes out, understanding math one day after 23 years of complete ignorance, working as a cleaning lady when I had a reputation for being one of the most untidy people my friends had ever known and several other absurd triumphs that have lead me to nowhere in particular. I must also warn the readers that from time to time my thoughts and opinions and posts might appear be a bit seedy, and although I was debating of whether or not I should sensor that part of my personality I figured that it would do me good to be a bit honest in terms of that, especially since I am going by an alias. I have a side of me that might make you feel like you've just run into a oversexed trucker at some raunchy bar out in the middle of nowhere but I I'm also as delicate and reflective as.... well I might come up with a comparison later . And that’s about it, I really don’t know what this blog is about other than the wonderful, superb sporadic moments and thoughts that will be appearing now that I live in Staten Island again. Thanks to all.