The 'LifeGuard'

To my shame, to my absolute shame I actually watched a full hour of a movie called ‘Lifeguard’ starring Sam Elliot. As you might have already guessed, yes, Sam Elliot did play a lifeguard in this movie. Now living here, in the greatest of all boroughs (I am referring to Staten Island of course) has most definitely skewed my taste in men a bit, otherwise I wouldn’t find my self being attracted to a man with the size of Sam Elliot’s mustache-even if he did have a perfect tan and a great body in a movie that was made 34 years ago-1976 to be exact. And even if I did forgive myself for being slightly attracted to his unusually long mustache, I can never forgive my self for being able to watch 60 straight minutes of a movie that has as a soundtrack a song called Falling In Love With The Wind- I went even further though with this movie and found out that Sam Elliot’s character in this movie was indeed a conflicted one, someone I could possibly look up to- As I was lying down on my bed, wearing a pair of pajamas that are incredibly short because they belong to my aunt, I finally saw Sam Elliot stand up for himself and his Pre-Baywatch lifestyle-A moment of absolute beauty, and I just said to myself finally a man with balls the size of his mustache-Below is the legendary quote...

[at job interview] That blond Adonis image you're talking about, that doesn't fit anymore. There's a lot of training involved. A lot of responsibility. A lot of discipline. I do more P.R. out on that beach on a summer day than you do in here in a month. But you're right. Saving lives isn't selling cars.

“Here’s an opportunity for you to stand out”…

Those were the actual words that came out of my boss’s mouth today… 5 years on this job, and it takes me sorting through and filing 13 boxes full of unwanted crap dating back to 1997 to stand out as the #1 sucker in our office.

Guest Blog: An American Tale by Shosanna

For this blog entry I give the honors to my coworker and friend Shosanna who has been crying along with me in the above room since 10 a.m this morning:

According to Kelly Cutrone of Bravo’s “Kell on Earth” new book, If You Have to Cry Go Outside: And Other Things Your Mother Never Told You, if you are a professional woman at work it is best to not sit at your desk with a quivering lower lip and blotchy red face. Rather, buck yourself up and gather all dignity and hurriedly walk to the nearest ladies room. You must put toilet paper on the toilet seat first since you are a proper kind of girl and then sit down making sure your H&M business dress does not fall in the toilet.

The tears are streaming down your face now. Ahh, that feels better. Go on, grab some toilet paper and blow your nose, but be careful not to wipe your eyes since it feels so good as they fall off your face, onto the sludgey floor and into the toilet bowl itself. Now your head is in your hands grabbing fistfuls of your pony tail you carefully blowdried this morning.

Someone just walked in. Is it a coworker? Is it someone else who works on the floor? Can they hear me? Does it matter? Please let them hurry up doing their business and leave. You are holding everything in, and can’t breathe. You wonder how Sting can have tantric sex with Trudie and dozens of groupies for 8 hours straight while your brain is going to explode as you hold in these tears.

She finishes washing her hands. You hear the clack-clacking of her heels as she leaves. This time it is full on sobbing. You feel like Matt Damon when Robin Williams tells him it wasn’t his fault and he is finally ready to let go of his past and move to California to love Minnie Driver.

You brace yourself. Maybe this is your Come to Jesus moment. The low point. You walk back to the sea of boxes and in the distance you see the Statue of Liberty. You think about your Great Grandparents coming to this country with an aching hope in what was to come ahead, years from then, after the tenements and sweatshops and meal after meal of the most depressing parts of the cow that were edible. You thought about their dreams for your parents and for you. And if they came to this country so you could end up crying in the bathroom of a Wall Street job. And like your ancestors before you whose only legacy lives on in stoic wedding day pictures in basements and in your middle names, you too will be largely forgotten. And all these boxes and filing and Excel and sweating and jumping when your name is called will have all been for nothing.

My Greek Aunt and The Fate of My Cigarettes

I am officially 29 years old and yet I still hide my smoking habit from ‘Napoleon’ –my Greek aunt. In one of the fastest moves ever recorded in history, today, I effectively threw a lit cigarette into the garbage can by our kitchen sink while my aunt ran down the stairs to perform one of her usual ambushes. Not knowing what to do while I was sitting by our kitchen sink, having my aunt literally sniffing the air around me, and having me looking towards the garbage can praying that the paper towels in there wouldn’t catch on fire, I took a glass and poured warm water in it, and pretending I was thirsty I begun to gulp down the entire glass of piss warm water while watching smoke slowly rising from the garbage can -‘Something, something smells funny here.’-my aunt noted and I looked at her and shrugged my shoulders. After she sniffed the air long enough she was satisfied and went up the stairs, and I spat out the last gulp of that God awful water into the garbage can so I can prevent our kitchen from burning down… I am 29 years old.

My First Pivot Table and Im-ing My Boss About It

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Norma says:
I just want you to know that I succesfully completed my first pivot table

Norma says:
Can i order cake now?

Norma says:
cupcakes?

Norma says:
Confetti etc?

Norma says:
...Kidding :0

Boss says:
...

The reason why I can't land another job...

...Is probably because I send resumes and cover letters such as the one below:

"My name is Norma. As I read through your list of qualifications I realized that I fit the description of what you are looking for perfectly. I currently work in a securities brokerage firm, and although the money is good I can't say that I am happy there. This was my first job after college and I have been there for 5 years. I started off with administrative duties and slowly they trusted me with accounting responsibilities as well. To be frank I am looking for a work environment that feels less like a shark tank, because although I have proven that I can survive in it, I am afraid that eventually I will turn into a shark as well. I am not sure what kind of job this is but I think I would like to find out more, possibly over food and some coffee. Thank you, I will await for your reply."

Flash Fiction Story # 6 - Monologue of a Friendly Coworker

"I do despise her with the deepest devotion. I enjoy my abhorrence for her immensely. Each morning as I walk into the office I complete the self assigned task of glimpsing towards her direction , never more then three seconds, quickly recounting the numerous and immaterial reasons that have brought me to the current state of loathing her very existence, so utterly and so completely, that it now brings me joy to feel this way towards her. I remember the very first time I heard her voice, how that dreary, unexciting, droning voice of hers sliced open my very soul and wits, and how ever since then she has become the one and only reason that I have stayed in this job, a job that has offered me no future and that has effectively buried all of my potentials. I now have been informed that we shall sit closer to each other, a piece of information that when it had reached my ears produced in me so much joy that I was brought to tears.
When I observe her I feel as if I have come across something very foreign and unfamiliar, a thing that is worthy of the time I spend studying and observing it. I smile at her often, knowing that it is the only effective way to communicate the disgust I have towards her. When she happens to approach me with one request or the other, I make sure to shut off anything and everything that might be going on around me, and sit and listen to her with my utmost focus. There are times when my other coworkers will express the dislike they have for her, something that distresses me greatly since I know for a fact that any negative feelings others might have towards her can be nothing but amateur attempts on something that frankly needs great skills. One day one of our customers had reduced her to tears, and I of course was the only one to comfort her reassuring her that she is one of the finest and most skilled employees my company has under it’s employment. I was not lying. A lie might have proven to be detrimental; it might have caused her to feel insecure and inadequate, which in turn might have caused her to quit this job. I suppose this sentiment I have towards her has affected my otherwise normal life in many different ways. For example, I can not imagine my self being surrounded by people that are friendly towards me for more than a couple of hours. This is also the reason I have stopped visiting my family so often for we are far too loving and pleasant towards each other. I have often been asked what is the point of devoting such energy into cultivating such a negative feeling, and only recently have I realized that I do not care to look into the reasons behind my inclinations however peculiar they might seem to others. All in all, I consider myself to be a fortunate and happy person because of all this."